Writing used to be something that kept my head screwed on straight. I could get on my soapbox and vent and people could laugh, if the post was funny, or vent back if they did not agree. Recently I have not wanted to write. Depression has taken over and at this point sucked the joy out of life.
Depression is insidious. It creeps into your brain and can take over like an army settling in for battle. It comes when you do not want it and leaves when it chooses. Many people feel that depression is a matter of choice. "Just snap out of it" "Too much drama" You are lazy" "Smile" or my favorite, "Things will get better" Guess what people, sometimes it can take awhile for things to get better. Some depression cycles can last a day and if you are without medication because your doctor is a putz, it can go on for months or even years.
I have been living on the grace of others for a couple of years. I have pretty much lost everything. My problem is I saw this coming and could not seem to do anything to stop it. I normally am creative and can work out a problem if I can get in touch with my mental tools but ever since the cancer diagnosis a couple of years ago and now the hand surgeries my mental tools are hiding. Good news I am cancer free, bad news my hand is not healing as fast as I want it to. Right now life is a bit sucky.
I am taking steps to get out of this cycle of depression. I see a new doctor next week for meds. Though this doctor too is a putz I am lucky to get an assessment in a few weeks that will give me a chance to get the right meds for my problem, but at least in the meantime the old meds will be reinstated so I can get relief.
Many people do not know what goes on in the head of a depressive person. I can say everyone is different but for me, my head does not stop talking. I am not talking about hearing voices other than my own. All day long the voice says you are worthless, unloveable, stupid, lazy, ugly, fat, have no one who cares, you are alone and forever will be. This does not stop. Do I believe all of that, well some moments I do. I am crying at this very moment cause to see it written down seems pretty bad. Meds help the head to shut up a bit so I can get those mental tools I talked about earlier to start making sense.
When you are depressed EVERYTHING bothers you. Sounds, loud talking, car horns, you name it and it could cause an anger jag or crying jag for no reason other than your brain goes that way. Your stomach can hurt, you don't sleep, you either don't eat, or in my case you eat too much and then get sick. Suicide enters my mind all the time, but I am not one to do it. Trust me on that one. The only thing that gets me a reprieve is humor. That is why I like reading facebook because many of my friends are very funny and post cartoons or saying that are funny.
Yes I am blessed in many ways. I do have people who love me but my head often overrides that thought. I am blessed that I have a few people who understand when I am this down and when needed can talk me off the ledge. I mean not a real ledge but the ledge that my mind is on. Is my life full of drama...yeah, it is. I have always had drama in my life. I am not sure when the meds I will get will alleviate the drama, but I can hope it will allow me to get to work on it so it will be less.
I guess what I am trying to say is this. If you have a depressed friend there may not be a way to help them. You can pray for them, and if willing to talk to them try. Sometimes one cannot deal with it and you need to separate from them. That can be sad for both sides but sometimes it is for the best. Mental health stigma really sucks. If you are depressed it seems worse because if you are Bi Polar or schizophrenic people know in most cases it is not the persons fault. With depression people turn away and figure you are either lazy, or unwilling to get better which is not the truth. I hate being depressed that this has been a really rough cycle which I am hoping there is a light soon, but until then I will do my best to carry on and get out of it the best I can. I am lucky I found a place I am going to next week that will occupy my brain and maybe get the creative juices flowing again. To this I am excited and I haven't felt that in awhile.
Yeah I guess this was a vent, and I am sorry if this bothers you. It bothers me. I know things are about to change. I am not holding my breath but I feel change is happening. Just know I love you all, past and present friends and hoping in a bit I can get back to writing fun stories and express the creativity that is aching to come out! Now... off to clean to get out some of this pent up energy! OH BOY!!!!!
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